Tell me, what do you want to hear? What do I need to tell you so you can quietly go about denying everything, and smugly go back to being obscenely proud of yourself? Do you want me to yell about Friday, or Emily or your god damned “fan club?” To be honest none of those things bother me too drastically. They just happen to be more tangible than what is bothering me. They’re a much easier fix than the truth.
See, the truth is that I hate so much about you, and you’ll never want to hear it. I know you don’t want to hear that I hate the way you hide behind your popularity, and your sex appeal, and your unruly mop of hair. I hate the way protecting your reputation is more important than dancing with a lonely girl, or going to the movies with someone who isn’t beautiful. I hate that you can’t explain why you don’t like AJ, and that you wouldn’t even try for me. I hate the way you stop arguing so your emotions won’t take control when you know that I believe you can’t be speaking the truth unless your emotions are in control. I hate the way you put me down, and I hate the way I played it off as a joke. I hate that your hugs have to be half hearted. I hate that you told me Amy would be my surrogate mom, and I hate even more that you told me on the day of my mom’s funeral.
But most of all I hate the way you are my round two. I hate that you didn’t realize my poem was about you. I hate that suddenly it’s so much more convenient to call a guy friend than it is to find my number on your phone’s keypad. I hate that since you no longer need my advice or condolence you no longer need me.
But the problem is that right now I need advice, and I need condolence, and I need someone to ask the right questions, and give the right kind of hugs, and drag me out of my house when I need to be gone. I need someone who knows when to do all of that without having to ask, because he knows that I’ll lie if he asks for permission. I need someone who will look me in the eye when I say ‘I’m fine’ and tell me to stop lying. I need someone to listen when I tell them that I’m never going to see my mom again, I’m losing my best friend for the second time this year, and that I’m only in love with my boyfriend because I desperately need how he’s there for me… but I don’t really need him. I need someone who will believe me when I say it hasn’t hit me yet that she really is gone, and someone who will hold me because I really did, and do hope that when I wake up each morning it will be my mom on the other side of my bedroom door.
But I don’t have that person, and it hurts. It really hurts because I do ask the right questions, and give the right hugs, and I do drag you out of your house when you need it. And you, like most of my friends who insist I can’t lie can’t look at my smile and see that it’s the only lie I’ve ever gotten away with. And it hurts because I know I’d be there for you even if we were fighting, and you didn’t want me. I’d be there even if I didn’t understand, and I’d be there even if I couldn’t do anything at all. Because I know that’s the right thing to do.
You have to fight for your friends. If I could fight myself I’d be fighting for you, but this letter is the best struggle I’ve put up yet, and I still probably won’t let myself give it to you. I’m struggling so hard because I’ve fought before, and I’ve lost before. And it also hurts to look at someone and remember that you were supposed to be friends forever. I guess it doesn’t matter because you weren’t fighting for me either. I guess that’s why I feel used.
It’s kind of funny… I’ve only told one boy “I love you,” and he’s never hurt me. But I’ve told two boys “I trust you,” and twice now my heart has shattered. You made me fall to pieces. You broke me.
And the really funny thing is that now I’m stuck, because I did trust you, and I probably loved you too. And you are what hurts the most, because you have no idea how much you are my round two, and because you have no idea how much more you hurt me than he did; because I expected it from him, but I respected you. So now I have no idea what to do. I’m so angry and confused because I’m so hurt, and I have nowhere to go with all this trust, respect, and love… and I don’t think I’m strong enough to give it back to you.
I hope that’s what you wanted to hear.
A.K.A.: the girl who wishes she could trust you again.