Dear You,'s Journal|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in
Dear You,'s LiveJournal:
|Monday, April 16th, 2007|
A letter to Zach
Tell me, what do you want to hear? What do I need to tell you so you can quietly go about denying everything, and smugly go back to being obscenely proud of yourself? Do you want me to yell about Friday, or Emily or your god damned “fan club?” To be honest none of those things bother me too drastically. They just happen to be more tangible than what is bothering me. They’re a much easier fix than the truth.
See, the truth is that I hate so much about you, and you’ll never want to hear it. I know you don’t want to hear that I hate the way you hide behind your popularity, and your sex appeal, and your unruly mop of hair. I hate the way protecting your reputation is more important than dancing with a lonely girl, or going to the movies with someone who isn’t beautiful. I hate that you can’t explain why you don’t like AJ, and that you wouldn’t even try for me. I hate the way you stop arguing so your emotions won’t take control when you know that I believe you can’t be speaking the truth unless your emotions are in control. I hate the way you put me down, and I hate the way I played it off as a joke. I hate that your hugs have to be half hearted. I hate that you told me Amy would be my surrogate mom, and I hate even more that you told me on the day of my mom’s funeral.
But most of all I hate the way you are my round two. I hate that you didn’t realize my poem was about you. I hate that suddenly it’s so much more convenient to call a guy friend than it is to find my number on your phone’s keypad. I hate that since you no longer need my advice or condolence you no longer need me.
But the problem is that right now I need advice, and I need condolence, and I need someone to ask the right questions, and give the right kind of hugs, and drag me out of my house when I need to be gone. I need someone who knows when to do all of that without having to ask, because he knows that I’ll lie if he asks for permission. I need someone who will look me in the eye when I say ‘I’m fine’ and tell me to stop lying. I need someone to listen when I tell them that I’m never going to see my mom again, I’m losing my best friend for the second time this year, and that I’m only in love with my boyfriend because I desperately need how he’s there for me… but I don’t really need him. I need someone who will believe me when I say it hasn’t hit me yet that she really is gone, and someone who will hold me because I really did, and do hope that when I wake up each morning it will be my mom on the other side of my bedroom door.
But I don’t have that person, and it hurts. It really hurts because I do ask the right questions, and give the right hugs, and I do drag you out of your house when you need it. And you, like most of my friends who insist I can’t lie can’t look at my smile and see that it’s the only lie I’ve ever gotten away with. And it hurts because I know I’d be there for you even if we were fighting, and you didn’t want me. I’d be there even if I didn’t understand, and I’d be there even if I couldn’t do anything at all. Because I know that’s the right thing to do.
You have to fight for your friends. If I could fight myself I’d be fighting for you, but this letter is the best struggle I’ve put up yet, and I still probably won’t let myself give it to you. I’m struggling so hard because I’ve fought before, and I’ve lost before. And it also hurts to look at someone and remember that you were supposed to be friends forever. I guess it doesn’t matter because you weren’t fighting for me either. I guess that’s why I feel used.
It’s kind of funny… I’ve only told one boy “I love you,” and he’s never hurt me. But I’ve told two boys “I trust you,” and twice now my heart has shattered. You made me fall to pieces. You broke me.
And the really funny thing is that now I’m stuck, because I did trust you, and I probably loved you too. And you are what hurts the most, because you have no idea how much you are my round two, and because you have no idea how much more you hurt me than he did; because I expected it from him, but I respected you. So now I have no idea what to do. I’m so angry and confused because I’m so hurt, and I have nowhere to go with all this trust, respect, and love… and I don’t think I’m strong enough to give it back to you.
I hope that’s what you wanted to hear.
A.K.A.: the girl who wishes she could trust you again.
A letter from him
It's late so I don't want to call or message and wake you up if you are sleeping.
I know that I cannot possibly comprehend how hard this must be. I have lost acquaintances, a friend I knew fairly well, and even my grandfather. But I haven't ever felt the way I felt today. When you told me what happened it turned my world upside down because you are pretty much the world to me. I have only known you for a few months now. But I find myself caring more for you than I have for any other girlfriend I have ever had.
I want you to know that no matter what I am here for you and I am here for your family. I realize you need some space; you need some time for yourself, so when you need someone I am here. I will be right here for you no matter the circumstances. I don't care what time of day, where I'm at, or what I'm doing. I will be your rock; I want to be the one you confide in... So please try not to shut me out cause it hurts not knowing where you are.
If there is absolutely anything I can do please let me know. My family also stands in the same light.
It's times like these when my religious side is strong, and while I know it's not very comforting now, all my prayers are with you and your family. I know it doesn't seem this way, but while doing my Theology homework I stumbled upon this verse:
"Under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." -1 Peter 5:6-7
Please keep me informed on what I can do, I want to be with you every step of the way if you want me there.
All my love, all my prayers... my everything,
|Monday, March 5th, 2007|
Did I hurt you? Did you like me? You looked... hurt. Was it my fault? I didnt want or mean to hurt you. I didnt want or mean to like yo either... but I do. As horrible as that sounds with me having AJ I still like you, and you're the kind of guy I'd make a big mistake with. This makes no sense in letter form, much as it makes no sense in my mind, but I want you... and I dont
You really are JUST LIKE HIM, and if you want our friendship to die (just like him) That's fine. I fought for and lost him. I wont fight for you. All I'll wind up with is a bruised ego, and some emotional scars. It's not worth it in the long run because I wont end up with you.
|Wednesday, February 28th, 2007|
Dear Choir Dinner,
I hate you, and your stupid present for Mrs. French tradition, but I love you for helping me realize who my friends are... and who they really should be.
I know you're mine, and I've had you for at least 4 years... but I never noticed you before... and aparently neither did anyone else. But you got Grant to call me hot last night. Which is an interesting change of pace. Now work your magic on Zach so I can practice my bragging rights. Or at least on AJ so i can get down, lol. Anyway, thank you for having that awesome kind of sexy librarian appeal.
|Monday, February 26th, 2007|
Dear Pink fuzzy Bug,
I helped my mom pick you out. You're a present for my little brother. Do you know how you made him cry pink fuzzy bug? Merely by being bought by my mom you made my 12 year old brother sob. Congratulations.
|Sunday, February 25th, 2007|
If you're just jerking her along just to make me angry then my god you're more of an asshole than I thought... And you really do make me sad. I thought I needed you, and even more, /i thought you needed me. But I was wrong, wasn't I? I'm not good enough for you am I? Even to just be your friend? No. And see that's wrong too. I'm not too good for you, you're not too good for me... We're both just too stubborn.
|Thursday, February 22nd, 2007|
Dear Annie Oakley,
Yes, you can get a man with a gun, it's just illegal in all 50 states. I recomend alcohol instead.